$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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