I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
