i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
