I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
