I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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