I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
