Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you mean i was at the winter classic?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
