the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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