Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
