he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
