Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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