But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
