Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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