im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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