I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
