I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
