Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
