I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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