I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
