please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
zippers are such a cool invention
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Watching her eat just hurts me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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