life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think I sprained my soul last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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