He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
