So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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