so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
