He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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