im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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