guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
