You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
