I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
