apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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