I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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