I want to walk on stilts...naked
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
