I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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