I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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