Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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