I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
