She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
