did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
