A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
