sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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