Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
