dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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