they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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