just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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