Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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