Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
