My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
