So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
