so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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