Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
