Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
