you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
